Those Three Words
by Gwydion
Summary: There are certain life experiences he knows he can never have, certain feelings he knows to be false, and certain words he knows he will never hear. And yet he clings to her, waiting for it all to fall apart.


_This fic is dedicated to_ _ **Diporae**_ _who managed to drag a girl who thought of Raphril as a fun crack pairing so far into the inner depths of the ship that when she heard people were bad mouthing said ship she immediately retaliated by writing a fic where said ship reigns supreme and no one can argue otherwise. For you, OSMTB!_

Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

 **Those Three Words**

On nights like this, normally he would be finding the nearest dirtbags and beating them until they were black and blue and begging for mercy. But not tonight. Tonight was different. Tonight all Raphael wanted to do was feel the light rain on his skin and hear the splashing of his feet through puddles as he ran as fast as his legs could carry him across the vacant New York City rooftops.

He had been at it for nearly an hour now, however, and even well trained ninjas were unable to sprint endlessly at top speed. His pace already considerably slower than it had been at the start, he was panting harshly, silently cursing the adrenaline that was no longer helping propel him forward. Stumbling onto a roof farther from his home than he'd been in long time, he at last came to a stop, throwing himself onto the concrete roof with his carapace resting against a large air conditioning unit, leaning his head back and closing his eyes while trying to ignore the throbbing in his arm.

Listening to the tiny drops hitting the metal, he slowly worked to take back control of his breathing and push the pain aside. But with his eyes closed and his thoughts lulled into a false sense of security by the soothing drizzle, the events of the past few hours suddenly came rushing back to him in a hurricane of whirling emotions, causing his body to shiver in the cool night air. Opening his eyes once again, he sighed, watching his breath disappear into the cloud covered sky. He finally allowed his mind to wander back, not to what had happened an hour ago but to months earlier when the clock on the ticking time bomb leading to this moment had first been set.

To say that the kiss had been unexpected was probably the understatement of the century. It wasn't as if the two had never spent time together, but it wasn't until they were all stuck in a single, remote farmhouse with Leo lying comatose in a bathtub that April had actively begun to seek him out. Raphael was mildly curious at first as to why she chose to visit him as he sat ever vigilant next to his older brother, but he had been too preoccupied staring at Leonardo's unnaturally still body, willing it to move, to pay it much mind until one day she stormed in so irritated that she had slammed the door behind her. As she began to confide in him her frustrations of not only trying to keep the place livable but also dealing with the constant bickering and showing off from Donnie and Casey, he began to realize that as much as he wanted to be there for Leo, it was selfish of him to hide away and let her take care of everyone else alone.

While most of his days had still been spent in the small bathroom, Raph had made a conscious effort to help out more around the house. If he saw a pile of dishes left over from dinner, he would quietly wash them before heading back upstairs. When Donnie and Casey were working in the barn and Mikey was out feeding the chickens, he'd take a moment to dust or sweep the floor. Heck, he had even tried to cook dinner once, but while April had assured him that she appreciated him trying to help, she had also calmly stated that nearly burning the house down was helping no one. But even despite the burnt food smell that had permeated the farmhouse for two days, he knew that his little acts had not gone unnoticed as every time she dragged in a chair to join him by Leo's side she would squeeze his hand and offer him a grateful smile.

Just over two months into their stay was when it all changed. He had been cleaning up the table from a rather messy breakfast of syrupy pancakes when he heard April's terse voice coming from the kitchen. Unsurprisingly, both Casey and Donnie's voices had followed, and as he finished wiping the dining room table and prepared to enter the adjacent room to tell the two boneheads to quit bothering her, he heard his name. They had been talking about him.

Storming into the room ready to demand what exactly he was being called out for this early in the morning, his biting remarks died in his throat as he suddenly felt two tiny hands on either side of his face and saw April's angry and determined blue eyes getting closer. Stunned into silence, time seemed to screech to a halt as she firmly pressed her lips against his large and unsuspecting mouth. Green eyes wide, he had merely stood there, completely dumbfounded by the new sensation, and though she had likely only held him like that for a mere second, the memory of that first, awkward kiss seemed to go on for hours.

When she at last let him go, she turned back to address their equally shocked audience, but at this point Raph's brain had almost completely shut down and he had no idea what was said. All he could remember was Donnie shooting him a sad but angry glare as he trudged out the back door, Casey in tow. It was then that April finally turned her attention back to him, apologies and explanations spilling from her mouth almost quicker than he could comprehend them. But once she had finished and looked at him nervously, he had relaxed, understanding exactly what had just occurred.

She had used him in hopes of once and for all escaping the constant hovering of the two teenaged boys that had just walked out the door. They had cornered her, asking her why she had been spending so much time with him lately, unable to keep their jealousy in check. She had tried to brush it off, but when they pushed further, all the anger at their neverending advances had at last caused her to snap. Right as she was forcefully telling them that she was allowed to spend her time with whoever pleased her and they had no business telling her otherwise, Raphael had walked in and sparked an idea. The kiss had done it's job, finally getting the two off of her back, but she had failed to consider his feelings in the process and stood in front of him then fearing she'd crossed a line by bringing him into it.

Once fully aware of the situation, he had been quick to assure her that she had crossed no such line and that he hadn't minded her using him in such a fashion, though he was sure she could hear his heart pounding and voice nearly cracking as the words tumbled out. His immediate and probably too honest answer had left an amused smirk on her face, and as she walked past him, lightly touching his arm and teasing that perhaps, then, there could be more where that came from, he felt his cheeks flush and his body tense as he watched her leave out of the corner of his eye.

That had been the true start of all of this. After their mostly one-sided kiss in the kitchen, Raphael found April in his company more and more. But no longer was it merely sitting by Leo's side. It seemed that every chance she had, she would find ways to be in physical contact with him. Whether she would lean her head on his shoulder, openly hold his hand during their weekly movie night, or rub gentle circles on the back of his shell when verbally thanking him for washing the dishes, he couldn't help but crave her touch. Even once Leonardo had finally awoken, she had unashamedly wrapped him into a tight hug and placed a lingering kiss on his cheek, causing the eldest turtle to glance anxiously at Donatello who thankfully by that point had been trying desperately to respect April's apparent feelings and had merely looked away without a word.

But Raphael had known better. While the extra touches and pecks on the cheek were nice and always gave him a rush, there was no way such things would last. At the farmhouse, secluded with barely a soul for miles outside of their little patchwork family, he had understood that showering him with affection in everyone else's company was merely a way to keep Donatello and Casey in check. There was no hidden meaning behind it, and once they were all back in New York and she could return to a more normal human teenager's life, the special treatment would slowly trickle to a stop until their relationship was exactly as it had been before. He was a mutant turtle, and as he'd said to Donnie many times over, it just wasn't going to work. And that was ok. It might sting a little, but he could handle it. He was prepared for it to happen. In fact, maybe watching him go through it would at last get it through his naive brother's skull that he had always been right.

The night before they were to return to the city, Raph found he couldn't sleep, and as he quietly headed down the stairs in order to zone out in front of the TV for a while, he had realized that he wasn't the only one. Despite his best efforts to enter unnoticed, April had immediately turned to face him, offered him a knowing smile, and patted the seat next to her, inviting him to join her on the couch. She had been watching some old movie he didn't recognize, but it was impossible to recall even what genre it had been for as soon as he'd sat down she had wrapped her arms around him and laid her head against his shoulder. As it was for once just the two of them, he had pushed aside the familiar nervous fluttering in his chest and wrapped an arm around her, deciding that if this was indeed the last night she would offer him such affection then he was going to enjoy it.

He had not anticipated her raising her head and looking up at him with an expression he couldn't quite read. He remembered briefly wondering if he had done something wrong. But as her face moved closer to his, he had some idea of what was coming, and when he felt her lips once again kissing him, this time he was eager to respond.

Thinking of their first real kiss made him shiver even now. It had probably been incredibly awkward for her, her tiny mouth against his giant one with no experience compensating for such a difference, but the feelings it stirred in him were truly terrifying. Holding her, kissing her, had been so intoxicating that for once he began to fear that moment when he would lose it all. And yet he couldn't bring himself to pull away. Someday she would realize that Donnie had moved on and the charade was no longer necessary. Someday she would stop initiating the tender and sweet physical contact between them. But that day she had still been pretending to be his, and every fiber of his being had been more than willing to play along.

The very next morning, however, his mind and emotions were right back where they needed to be. With the mission to save Master Splinter directly in front of him, it was easy to fall out of their strangely domestic lifestyle and back into that of warriors. And, just as he suspected, once they were back in the city and even after they had freed their sensei and were staying at the pizza parlor, the soft touches grew fewer and farther between. Raphael never blamed her or took offense. He had been expecting it, of course, and it wasn't as if they weren't busy with an alien invasion to get rid of. But he still felt a slight tremor of longing every time it did happen, and the urge to reach out and grasp her hand in his was almost too powerful to resist. But it was at last coming to an end. He had been so sure of it. Which is exactly why he was now sitting in the rain more confused and anxious then he could ever remember being at any point in his relatively short life.

After they had saved the city and returned to their sewer home, she had joyfully grabbed his face and kissed him in front of everyone, including Master Splinter and Mr. O'Neil. He had been so caught off guard that he had nearly tumbled backwards, but the surprise was quickly replaced by awkwardness as their two fathers looked at them a bit apprehensively, both obviously worrying about the possible repercussions of such a development. The four of them had sat down to talk for a while after that, but he had trouble remembering the details. He had been too shaken by the resurgence of her outward affection to respond properly to their questions. April, however, had seemed fine, acting as if all of this were normal, even defending her right to be with who she desired to her father as she had done to Donnie and Casey months before. In the end, Mr. O'Neil still seemed rather upset by his daughter purposefully kissing a mutant turtle while Splinter had given them his blessing, but that only left Raph more unsettled than ever.

From then on, she had continued her advances, picking up where they'd left off at the farmhouse. The cravings for her touch grew stronger than ever despite his best efforts to convince himself that whatever it was they had was doomed to fail. When she took his hand, he would gently give it a squeeze. When she leaned against him, he would wrap his arm around her and hold her close. And when she kissed him, he would respond, growing more confident with every intimate moment they shared. And yet still he refused to believe that any of it was real.

It was earlier that night that his doubts and fears were finally beginning to get the best of him. April had gone out with them on patrol, much to his annoyance. He knew he didn't think straight around her, and he had been growing more and more irritated that she had such an effect on him when he knew she was going to see their relationship as her father did any day now - a rebellious phase that she would one day grow out of in favor of something more normal and sustainable. So when a fight with the Foot Clan broke out, he was hardly in the right frame of mind to deal with such things.

Never could he recall his fighting being so sloppy and unfocused. Raphael found his thoughts wandering, constantly torn between worrying if April was ok and assuring himself that she didn't need him, she could take care of herself. This had left him wide open for a particularly vicious attack that, had his instincts not kicked in at the last second, would have cost him his life. But instead of his throat being sliced open, he had found himself with a nasty cut along his forearm, and by the time the battle had ended, he had been bleeding quite badly.

She had run straight to him then, calling his name as her gaze fell upon his bloody arm. His defenses raised, he tried to brush it off, protest that he was fine and could bandage it himself, but she had fixed him with one of her glares that meant she was going to get her way whether he liked it or not and roughly began to clean and wrap the wound. Angrily, she had interrogated him, demanding to know what was wrong with him, why he had been so distracted lately. By that point his brothers had gathered around them, and it was clear from their faces that they had been wondering the same thing. But this was not something he wanted to talk about, especially in front of all of them, and as soon as she had finished, he had jerked his arm away as if her very touch burned his skin, spitting out that nothing was wrong, that she should stop worrying about him. He had already turned his back to her when those words fell from her lips.

"Of course I'm going to worry about you, Raph! _I love you!_ "

Raphael was sure that in that moment his heart had stopped beating completely. His body had gone rigid, and time seemed again to stand still as his mind went blank. But as soon as he had felt her soft fingertips touch his arm, he had bolted. He wasn't prepared to deal with it. Not yet. And as he heard her cry out after him, the rain began to fall and he pushed it all away, instead focusing on the cool, soothing moisture from above and the pounding of his feet on the rooftops.

Those three words were something he had long ago given up on hearing in a way that meant more than just a close friend or family member, and yet they came from her so easily. There was no hesitation in her voice just as there had never been in her actions. From the very beginning, April had been serious in her advances, genuinely wanting to be with him in ways he'd never thought he'd be with anyone. And the thought of that scared him even more than her simply using him until he was no longer needed.

The wall around his heart had been put in place for a reason. As long as he remained guarded, he was always prepared for the worst, ready for the inevitable knife headed his way. But April had not only lowered that knife, she had dropped it completely, instead leaving her own heart wide open. No, she was in fact freely offering it to him, and here he had practically smacked it out of her hands and stomped on it by growing angry at her for making such an offer and running away when she at last put it into words.

Sighing, he closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, and pounded his uninjured fist on the concrete. He was a coward. He'd been so afraid of the possibility of getting hurt himself that he had instead pushed away probably the only person that would ever love and accept him for who - and what - he was. All of this was his fault from the beginning, never once trusting that she could ever care for him in such a way. But as he took a deep breath and opened his eyes, he knew he couldn't allow it to end like this.

Much as he had tried to deny it, the wall he'd built up had been starting to crumble ever since that first intimate kiss back at the farmhouse. There had always been just enough of it left that he could quickly rebuild it if he had to, but his heart would never have been the same. April had broken through, and as he sat and thought of her and how she really felt about him, he knew that he'd secretly felt the same way the whole time. He had denied it for what he thought was his own sake, but now there was no point, and the more the memories of them together raced through his mind, the more he wished he were by her side this very second, holding her, kissing her, and telling her everything he'd wanted to say for so long.

Raphael reached for his belt and pulled out his T-phone. His heart pounded like a drum in his chest as he clicked on her number and saw her face appear on his screen, gently wiping off the drops of rain that tried to obscure her features. Ignoring the knots in his stomach, he at last hit the call button and brought the phone up to his ear. It barely rang once before her worried voice sounded through the speaker.

 _"Raph! Are you ok?"_

Despite being practically soaked to the bone from the rain, his mouth suddenly went dry. Even with his mind made up, he couldn't help but second guess himself. After all, there was still no guarantee that this would last.

 _"Raph?"_

Hearing her call his name again, he swallowed and took a calming breath. The wall around his heart needed to come down. She was worth the risk.

"I love you, too, April."

* * *

A/N: Told you it would have cuddling, kissing, and an "I love you" or two, D!

As always, critics and grammar police are appreciated!


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